Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The break up and the break down (How to move on quickly from a break up)

The first time I realised the importance of moving on quick time from a break up, was when I started dating one of my neighbours. Whilst I was grieving the loss of our ‘warped relationship’, I could hear him blasting his music full volume in his garden opposite. I became terrified of bumping into him at the corner shop, and there was the nervous excitement every time his car or truck drove through my area. I was an emotional minefield and the whole estate became a danger zone. So how do you move on quickly from a break up? The rules of engagement are below, check out more answers and articles from me on

Here are the rules of engagement

If you value your sanity, don’t call them unless your chirpily saying I hope me and you can still be friends. Whether their consistently nice to you over the phone, asking you about your family, work, friends the point remains they broke up with you and they broke up with you for a reason.
You may not get it, they may not have given you all the answers or any answers at all, but you have to make up your own mind and move on. A break up is really about space, you are empowering yourself by allowing yourself and that person the space to know what they want. Calling them consistently to ask questions doesn’t change anything, or trying to convince them you guys can work through whatever it is can often be wasted energy. The reality is they left a long time ago. On some level whilst they were smiling at you, laughing with you, inviting you over, they had already made up their mind that they would leave. Some would see that as a sort of betrayal. If you believe a lot of the problems stemmed from things you did, and your willing to change by all means put up ‘your’ fight. Be warned that if or when you do get back together with that person the hands of power would have shifted. You’ll be expected to do the emotional tip toeing in the relationship, and have to pull the charade of being someone else. Unless you’re a serial killer, cheat, murderer, rapist or some kind of terrorist, is the self sacrifice particularly worth the hassle, or is there someone else out there twice as hot with less the trouble?

Refuse to get your wires crossed. If your ex keeps calling to see how your doing, using words like I miss you, talking to you like their still in a relationship with you and begging to hang out…don’t hop and skip just yet. Unless their asking you back into a relationship or saying I want to be with you I just want us to take it slow then you can start doing the groove.

Most ex’s call to see how the break up is affecting the other person, how you’re ‘surviving’ the break up. The ego is a funny thing, on some level they want to see that they were important enough to have an impact on you, and on another level their craving the drama of a break-up even though their telling their friends ‘they hate all of this’. Many people will never admit to such a need, because not only does it have negative connotations but it also threatens people’s ideals of themselves by making them feel very dysfunctional.

Don’t hang around waiting for them to show you ‘something’. Go out with friends. Party till you’re the last person on the dance floor, visit the cinema, attend events that you would have never gone to with your ex, get down with your bad self, and let others see your enjoying your own company.

Going out on dates is a great way to focus your attentions elsewhere, glamming up, new conversation, networking and taking your confidence to greater heights. Don’t compare the new people you meet to your ex, having a laugh…good, comparisons…BAD.

Everything your feeling, write it out in a journal or ask loads of questions on yahoo answers, answers is amazing when your going round and round in your head about something your ex did or didn’t do. Confronting your ex can help, but be ready you may not like what you hear. Or even worse they may tell you exactly what you want to hear so they don’t feel guilty. You don’t want a pity party; you just want the motivation to move on peacefully maintaining your self esteem. Dignity is key in this; you don’t want to cringe years later when you see that person.

Exercise as much as possible, do a studio shoot or even better contact me and I’ll take some really hot photo’s of you, being an on location freelance photographer and all. or my cool blog Put the new pictures of yourself all over your face book or my space, announce every time your closer to a goal, and write loads of info about your recent adventures. Infact blog about it. Apply for that job you’ve always thought was out of your league; join a dance class or gym class.

Make your ex aware of what they’ve just done; they’ve just put you back out there on the open market. You’re the next hot thing!

Otatade Okojie(