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That's me!
Future bestselling novelist, poet, media sales guru and erm 'marketing consultant.' I am a freelance journalist and currently working on my first novel.
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WAYS TO AVOID LOOKING BROKE IN PUBLIC

1) DONT 'LOOK' BROKE. Invest in a suit that's well cut, and clothes that fit you nicely.

2) Dont blame the system. That's what broke people do.

3) Complain about all the people on welfare or signing on. Say "It's seriously affecting the progress of the economy".

4)Have one token white friend you walk around your neighbourhood with.

5) If someone asks what you do for a living say, " I've got this business venture i've been working on, i can't really say anything till the deal comes through. Too much competition".

6)Always give money to charity right in front of your friends.

7)When thinking of places to go, come up with really expensive places your friends can't afford. When they say they can't afford it go, " Well it's really up to you guys." If they come up with something you can't afford, talk about all the gun crime and knife violence in that area.

8)Wear expensive parfum or aftershave so you smell like money. Invest in good skin care as well, rich people like to take care of themselves.

9)When someone throws something spontaneous on you start padding your shirt and trouser pockets.
"Where's my wallet?" If it seems like they don't believe you, call the police and ask them what to do in the likelihood of a theft. Tell that person you need to go home your praying your credit card wasn't in it.

10)Get relatives to call your phone when your with friends. Ignore the call but don't switch the phone off. When they ask why your not picking it up tell them;

"People are so selfish sometimes. When i'm making money these people can't stop calling me, when i'm broke i never heard from them at all. USERS!"

11)When friends are calling you, miss the call twice then call them back;
"I'm sorry i havent called you, i've been so busy." Pause .then in a dreamy voice
"i cant believe things are finally happening for me. Hold on let me call you back."

12) Talk about dinner parties you went to. Even if it was a barbecue in your uncles back yard.

13) Invent a friend that seems to get you into all the high society clubs. When someone you know asks to come ?
"I'm not sure man i think he's gay, if you can handle that. "
If it's a girl say she's moving to LA and your happy to see the back of her
"Why?"
"She seemed kinda fake."

14) Get a market research job, 'the most boring job on Earth' tell people your in sales and marketing, a marketing consultant or a business aid.

15)Rich people talk rich. Talk about the expensive holidays you plan to go on, the riviera, Los angeles,the alps.Investment banking, property portfolios, and designer clothes.
If anyone asks you why you havent got these things say
" I'm a humble person.i don't want to rub my success in anyone's face."

16) If your tired of pretending, get work experience in somewhere that sounds nice.It will keep you busy for a while.


Mistakes not to make:
'Nigerian mistake' showing up in snake skin or crocodile shoes. That is so bush.

Decking yourself out in fake bling, people will think your trying too hard.

Don't get spotted at the job centre begging for jobs if someone does see you say your picking up a disability benefit form for your mum.
"So your mum's going on disability benefit, last time i saw her she was fine."
"Yeah i know , she fell down the stairs a week ago. We've got the wheelchair at the house."

If someone asks why your not driving a fancy car, say your family's gone totally green. "It's all about the ozone layer to us now."
If they asks why you havent bought a house yet. Start going on and on about the credit crunch or how the workers are still doing it up but there's fumes everywhere.


How you know people actually believe you
In an argument one of your friends starts shouting "You've changed man. You've changed!!!"

Sadly if you have to do all this to save face with the people that you know, there wasn't a real friendship there in the first place. A friendship with too much fiction, is an illusion of love. Stick to real people.
Real friends will try and sort you out with a job or find someway to help you with your career. Advice if your stuck or even better, contacts you can network with.


Otatade Okojie